New Journal "whitenesss"



P.S. I'm still gonna keep this journal for some good/often bad memories.
  • Current Music
    postal service_such great heights

I Saw DRC Again!

I'm so happy. It was so unexpected! Walking over to 4th period, I experienced a ' special ' moment with Michelle...haha.And I want to share it with you all. I saw the crush of my life! DRC! Those are just the initials btw. Holy crap I felt happy, numb, shocked and HAPPY! I was smiling in 4th period the whole time and was eager for class to end. Sadly enough though, I didn't see him again after that. It was so nice to see him again after a long time... <333 wow

P.S. I always go to Northridge's Costco never thinking that it was special or anything, but now...it's going to be...my 2nd home!!! HA! XD (a few of you know why SDFC.DRC.FLIS) <3333

Amd umm, sorry if you didn't care. It just made my happy day happier ... and sexier ;)

And how's sophomore year? So far it's A-OK. I'm gonna TRY to just enjoy my fuckin life. High school is 4 years only. I kinda wasted a year, so I don't want to waste this one.
  • Current Music
    jojo_baby its you

It's Almost School Time

I just came to a realization - at such perfect timing - that I should be thankful for the family I have and the things I have. I feel lucky for some reason. It's just such a great feeling. Anyway...whats been up with me?

My mom spent hundredssss of dollars on me within like three days mainly on A&F stuff, and some Gap and J.Crew and AE...oh man. But I bought the first pair of jeans that I actually don't have to fold...cause you know, I'm short. Thanks to AE! I'm so in love with it! It's the best pair of jeans so far that I have. I just gotta get this one pair at A&F though, and I'm ready ... for whatever.

I just got back from a hotel in which I stayed in with my cousins. Next thing is school. Excited yet not excited.

Ok, I'm tired. And btw, I love him. :)
  • Current Music
    oh how i want to break free

I'm Full of Hate

The side of me I've been wanting to show. You'll get interested and think "wow." Trust me.

Back from SF again. A lot in my head. I have come to the conclusion that I am insane (really) and I need help (really). I am "clean" as in I haven't had sex, drank, done drugs, smoked or any of that. Instead, I have mental breakdowns which are starting to get worse and become constant. And why is this? Because I am not satisfied with my life meaning I HATE it. I know I should be thankful and all, but no. I'm not gonna feel sorry for anybody anymore. I want to feel what I really feel. I'm just sick of everything. Everything is fake. You're fake. I realized that I've been thinking about death even more...constantly. Why haven't I done it? Because I'm scared. Yeah, I'll admit it. Why hold back? I just wish you could die in like an easy way you know? I think that if I had good views of my family, maybe even my friends, I would be ok. But guess what. I don't like my family. I don't like me. I don't like the school I go to. I don't like where I live. Name what I have, I don't like it. I don't like anything. Fuck the whole "you should be appreciative of that". I want my life to be over with so that I won't have to deal with anything anymore, epecially me. Let me be gone. I feel like I have no purpose in this world. What's there to go for? Forget it all. Everything IS fake. Cleveland is stupid now. I only went there because stupid private school is expensive. I'm starting to think it would've been worth it. Private school can be stupid, but public school is so not me. I don't like it. But I have no choice. I don't like the majority of the type of people in public school. It's so ghetto. The atmosphere. Sick. The teachers are so lame compared to Catholic school ones. Public school is just NOT logic at all to me. Besides that is peer pressure. I've been wondering "In order to fit in with my older cousins, do I have to do drugs and smoke and drink and shit?" I've answered no because that's not me. Maybe that's why I'm angry at my cousins. Because they do stupid shit. I'm the one who cares but feels like I am not cared. Guess that's why I gave up. So I kept repeating to myself that I would trade my family for death. I'm tired of it all. It brings me drama and stress. You know how many times I've wished for my dad to die? And my grandma? I'm like a killer. A hater. It's because I HATE everything. I want to kill myself. I don't go out with friends anymore. I don't do shit. I'm just stuck in my own little world lost. I have nothing better to do but cry ... because I don't have what it takes to kill myself. I want to just give everything I have away and die and pretend that I never lived. Just when I thought my life was perfect, it's not. I'm thinking even though I had a big huge house and nice cars, I wouldn't be okay because my family would be the same. There are things about them that bring me down. I'm becoming more anti-social and want to be left alone 24/7. I have no life. I just want to get away already. Just like my mom said, "I wish I can just close my eyes and wish that none of this is happening". You guys don't know the way I live. It's hard. I feel overprotected. It was hard to always beg to go out with friends, so I stopped. I haven't gone out in years. I like...can't do anything so why try. I want to get out of this house. Run away far without anyone knowing. Fly away. I want to just get away from it all. But to make me want to live again, there would have to be major changes. Everything is hard for me. I don't think I can handle school being like this. I want to just drop out. Core is too much for me. Takes up my day. My PE teacher is pyscho. I do what she asks me to do and still I get in trouble. Thats the class where I got in trouble a lot. See, stupid public school has stupid public school teachers. I just want to make my life better - the way I want to live it. If only a miracle that would change my life would happen. I'm tired of it all. - Everything is fake. You are fake. - I let the new me out. I full of negative things. I'm full of hate. I want to kill. There's the idea of death. Not satisfied. Stressed. Angry. Tired. Full of shit. I don't want to do anything anymoe. Everything is stupid. If at least my whole family changed and the way I lived changed, I would be on the way to recovery. But...no hopes high there cause yeah. Ok, nothing much more to say. Stupid lame ass world. Life is nothing anymore, and probably never was.

( If you wanted to post something, just email me at CHEWingCHOWisFUN@aol.com. Thanks. )

Sarah Michelle Gellar

I went to the Sherman Oaks mall today and I had to get stuff at Abercrombie & Fitch as always, and as I was walking towards Abercrombie, I saw this girl and thought "Wow, she's pretty." And then after a few minutes, I was like..."Wait a minute she looks like...umm... Sarah Michelle Gellar!" Haha, I was like shoulder to shoulder to her when I saw her. It would've been cooler if I saw her with Freddie Prince Jr.! Man, everytime I go to the Sherman Oaks mall, I see someone famous =) Cool stuff. Last time, I saw the Del Taco guy...haha. I love Sherman Oaks! I got REALLLY sick of Northridge...

So the next big thing of what I'm gonna do is have a huge family get-together. We're gonna rent a 15 seater van (it's so freakin awesome). My cousins are gonna sleep at my house on Friday, and then off we go to meet the rest of the family in San Francisco. Road trip, yay! Looking foward to it...and I might get a sofa bed. Another yay!
  • Current Music
    ciara ft. petey pablo_my goodies

I Still Love Him

Before you read, here's what this entry will be divided into so you kinda get an idea:
1) Totally NEW Layout
2) Summer Camp
3) Michael

Yea whatever, new layout, new icons! Moving on...Deng I've been so busy these days that I don't have time for LJs anymore. Monday through Friday was OLP summer camp + funeral, Saturday was a day with Sasha (shopping to party to swimming) and Sunday was church to Porter Ranch to Glendale. Camp was fun fun stuff. Got to see some of my ol' OLP homies that I love. Hung out with Ashley J., Kirstie, Nester, Elvia, Edwin and a few more. Loved every day of summer camp. I want to go again next year...too much fun!

I was so bored near the end of the day in Hansendam (part of camp) so I just took weirdo snaps.

I love this picture.

If you see chucks with 2 rows of different colored stitchesCollapse ) , then I suggested that to Converse. I mean, hopefully they'll like my suggestion and do it soon.

So everything's A-okay, but there's one major thing that's been getting in the way. When I heard that my first love got a girlfriend, I was in total shock (not to mention hurt), especially because a few days before I heard he has a girlfriend, I was wondering, "what would I do or think if he had a girlfriend?" It sucks because from the very first moment I laid eyes on him, I totally fell in love with him and always will love him...and I've tried to let him know that. But now...what can I do. No matter what, I will always love him :] even though I have all these crazy crushes over other guys. Anyway first loves are never really over. Now I feel all loney and dead (?) It totally ruined part of my happiness. Why can't I move on? It's like that umm... that Britney Spears song "Everytime"...haha. Eh...I can't believe what a total breakdown this is for me. I didn't know it would hurt me this much. But yea, I still love you Michael. It wasn't easy to say goodbye.

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me.
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray
I could break away.
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.

I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away


P.S. S. I'm starting to regret the fact I went to Cleveland. I HATE it. I hope I'm just feeling this way for now because sometimes I wonder "What if I went to Alemany?" All my OLP hoLmes are there. Boy did I make a big adjustment...public school? Shit. WTF did I get myself into...
  • Current Music
    kelly clarkson_breakaway

Back from San Francisco

Back from Frisco a.k.a San Francisco. Man I LOVE San Francisco's weather. It's the BEST! It's like never hot there. LOVE IT! Ok, so went to hospital. Stayed at cousins. Chilled. Saw movie Monster and felt like throwing up even though there was no throwing up. I just couldn't stand that movie at all. Too ... weird (?)

Ok, the main reason we went to San Francisco was to visit one of my Godmothers' who is dying. I was planning on actually giving my heart to her to live but then it was said that her virus which is so rare is so deadly that my heart won't even work...so there goes that =/ but then what if i did....
  • Current Music
    kayne west_jesus walks

Back from New York

Back from New York...not so exciting to be back...I didn't want to come home...In fact, I was scared to come back home because then I would have to deal with drama again, friends, family, and other stupid stuff. California is NOTHING compared to New York - the place that reallllly never sleeps. I don't like it here in California. It's filled with little homies who think they're so cool/always right/all that..whatever. I just hate it here. I would so TOTALLY want to live there and go to college, but then the only thing that sucks about NY is when it's winter and hell no I wouldn't want to deal with that shit. Ok, so the trip was great. I desperately want to go back. I miss everything about NY...especially the many buildings, taxi's, stores, and people. It's kind of boring not seeing any tall ass buildings anymore. I'm also gonna miss the way how when I slept at night, I had a good view of all these buildings with their lights on 24/7 and hearing taxi's honk for stupid reasons...[sigh] I honestly forgot about EVERYTHING that was here back at home. It felt ... great!

I was on TRL. Umm the first time was boring (the one with Andy Dick on July 11) so I went on Thursday when Hilary Duff and Chad Michael Murray came. Though, I had to stand outside, but it was all good. I got to see Qudduss or however you spell his name. And DAMIEN!!! DAMIEN FAHEY IS SO HOT! In real life...wow. And I saw Sway and John Norris, which are those who tell the MTV news often. Besides those famous folks, I can't forget the Naked Cowboy!

When I went on Thursday, there were these girls who came up in front of me who were about my age and they had this huge ass bright ass poster and they totally blocked my view. I was like...oh hell nawww I did not come here for nothing! and so I seriously got pissed and started cussing. They were all looking at me scared. I swear I was about to get something sharp to jab it right into their ugly looking poster. Others were pissed at them too. My mom saw a side of me she's probably never seen before. I cussed the living hell out of them. Wow, good day.

Ok, so Hilary has a VERY white stomach. Chad cut his hair and now he looks like Justin Timberlake...ugly. ALL the good pictures are in my disposable camera. The ones on my digital are kinda sucky compared to the REAL ones. Before going to TRL on Thursday, we went to Toys R Us first (probably the biggest and coolest Toys R Us ever!) and Hilary Duff and Tony Hawk were there. Plus stupid ass Paparazzi. Gosh I hate those dudes. By the way, there's that new movie called Paparazzi coming out and I wanna see it.

Besides New York, I went to New Jersey. There's this part where after you pass the tunnel that separates NY and NJ, you could see New York still while you're in New Jersey. I thought it was cool. And then there was Arizona. Wow, it's clean. At least at the part I went to. And then, LA...which when the plane was flying down, I saw our dirty polluted air. It's uglyyy. Arizona's was clear. So NY, NJ and AZ. Fun fun fun.

Is it weird that I cried when I came back from NY? Cause I did. Haha...man I miss it all. I'm so serious CALIFORNIA SUCKS! NEW YORK is the shit...except in winter. Times Square is the shit too.

I don't think I want this LJ anymore. I wonder about who even really cares about how your day went, or what you did on that day, how you feel, and blah blah blah. It's like "...okay?...do people have to know?" Eh I don't know. Gosh, I feel purely insecure. Ok, so what's next is that I might be in Summer Camp. It sucks but I have to do it. It's gonna be filled with people I don't talk to anymore. So that's what sucks. Ah w/e, that's a whole different story.


Ok, here are pictures. I got the good ones in my hands...and I mean GOOD...HAHA. Alright, ENJOY!

TAKE ME BACK Collapse )

Gettin Hyped UP

Wooopeee! It feels good to be back to the way I was when I first started high school: hyper & crazy & happy. I'm lovin it! Set to leave thy SoCAL homies.

I wish I had a boyfriend. Is that bad? ... Would you go out with me? ... hmmmm....

there's five picsCollapse )

Alright, I really just wanted to say I love you all_ya'll know who you are. But if you don't love me, say so =( haha Ok, g0odbye! -lia-

P.S. Please kiss me. I'm feelin freakAy ;)